Just lots of love..

I have never been good enough for u…

These lines are used whenever u want to breakup with the other person, knowing the other one loves you without any condition.

Its like my mind continuously saying me that he is gonna leave u , but as usual u listen to your heart and say “I will still love him.”

So I asked him what’s the reason and he said because wanted something else and I wanted something different. It took 3 long years for him to understand this that he needed something else and not the love, the sweet relationship.

So here I was planning to get married to him.. Fought with my parents that whatever be it he is never gonna leave me, and then suddenly one day out of the bloom he just left..

I didn’t knew how to react , whom to talk to , whom to ask where is he, why he did this but then I just thought If something is meant to be yours , it will be no matter how worse the situation is… Love cannot be forced … But no know has rights to play with feelings..

I still remember telling him that I just need ur time and love..no expensive gifts, no flowers n no chocolates..

My mind was right, “He just left me.” And I stupid kept thinking that it was all my fault cz i overloved him.. I too deserve a person who loves me back the way I love him without any conditions, “JUST LOTS OF LOVE”..

To my future lover,

I don’t know where you are, right now. But my heart knows, you will find me someday. Once you find me , I am not letting you go, even if you put ketchup in maggi, or like toppings on pizza.

I know I am a very difficult person to love. Thank you for dealing with my shit. When I am low, come sit beside me , hug me , and get some chocolates and Oreos. Don’t try to fix them, just listen. That’s enough.

On Sunday morning, I will prepare nice breakfast for both of us. We won’t get out of bed untill afternoon. I will sing for u in my terrible voice with wrong lyrics. We’ll laugh, and in that moment, we’ll know why it didn’t worked with anyone else.

If you or I ever mess this up, know that we can work on this and fix it. I know we can . I will look into your eyes and apologize. I will own up to my mistakes and I hope u do the same.. we will find a way to love again .

There might be chance that my dad or my bestiee won’t like you. You don’t have to worry about it. I will give u tutorial on how to win their hearts. U definitely gonna get more love and respect from them what I get.

I know I haven’t met you. There were moments when I thought I wish I had . They’ve thoroughly disappointed me so much that I am scared of love. I know you might be too, so when you find me , just be patient and love me. Thts all I am asking for.

Trust me, once I know, you’re the one , I will not let you go. You will be the butter to my chicken, choco-chips to my pastries, and Oxygen to my heart..❤️ So, let’s find each other soon.

With Love,. Someone who you haven’t met..❤️

Loneliness

You know nothing about it, unless u r alone at night and want someone to text you endlessly.

You don’t feel it until you don’t have someone to talk to in room full of familiar faces..

It begins with saying “I don’t need anyone” to yourself. It’s when you start living inside your head for too long.

You don’t feel it until having meal alone is isn’t weird to you . When you have a good news but you don’t know whom to share with. You just stare hard at your screen and keep it to yourself.

It’s like starting a book but never knowing the end. It’s like you are shuffling the playlist but don’t know which song will suit your mood .

It’s like sleeping on empty side of double bed.. It’s like when you are packing your bag and no one says, “have a safe journey”. It’s when you have no reason to return home. It’s when you are not well and go to doctor alone..

Loneliness is leaving things the way they are, and still finding them in same place, untouched. It’s knowing nobody can fix you. It’s knowing you have to live yourself alone, forever.

But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself

It was 5:00 AM and still no light of hope. I could still feel the pain I was going through. I picked up and phone and even the wallpaper had his photo. Its really devastating to know the person you loved, you cared and made your priority left you. My pillow was wet, eyes swollen and his name on my mouth. I am laid awake with your memories flooding through my eyes with the hope to be with you when sleep arrived. 

But it was over. Nothing is left. So I asked myself :                                                                                    “Do I really want to die?” Heart said “Yes” and mind “No”.

“No one commits suicide because they want to die. They do it because they want to stop the pain.”

Pain that can only be explained to the person who gave it. Pain is inevitable. No matter what happens you need to face it. I feel everyone is going to hurt. I just need to find who is worth suffering for.  People suicide because the pain they are going through is killing them everyday percent by percent. I saw a person who suicided used to smile a lot, do stuffs to make others happy and most importantly always carry a bundle of thoughts and pain in eyes.  You are lucky if you have a person in life who can see it. To whom you can explain what you are going through, look for suggestions but its you who has to implement it and make yourself strong. 

Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don’t kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. I am struggling everyday with a smile on my face that one day I too can end all this pain. Trust me I tried a lot to forget him and move on. But this pain, this love towards him didn’t let me do it. I never hurt anyone because I am in pain. I hurt myself as I am a self destructive personality and was trying to cope up through it just for him. Sometimes, the best thing is to kill yourself than go through the pain. Mental stress, loneliness, anxiety, Depression and most importantly not being able to breathe, all these problems will be over.  

People say that she/he suicided because they were not able to fight the pain or were not bold enough to accept the loss. But only the person who is suffering knows the pain and grief he/she is going through. It’s inconsolable. Everyone is not strong enough to bear it. But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself. People call me immature because I thought to suicide. Yes, I am not emotionally strong enough to bear this pain but I am trying. Patience and Silence are two powerful energy that will make you strong.  It’s Okay not to be okay. 

In Quran Allah says,                                                                                                                                      “There is ease after every difficulty.” 

You know we always choose things that are worse for us. So is choosing him was the worst decision of my life or loving him unconditionally was the worst decision? You know when you love someone unconditionally, you will have no other thoughts in your mind(not even suicide). 

I am like a stone that lives.  I’m not a part. I’m not a member. I’m frozen. Just frozen.

Take care.

HASTA LA VISTA

Suicide

It is said that people suicide cz of depression mostly. But I feel people die cz they find a single reason to live. As in my case, I lost my friends, whom I loved more than anyone in this world left me, my grandma who sacrificed all her comforts for me left me..At this point , I don’t have a single reason to stay alive. I wish someone in this world helped me..

Lost Another Gem! SSR❤️

14th JUNE 2020: We lost another gem of bollywood. He was one of the finest actor in the Bollywood Film Industry. Few hours ago, he committed suicide. He hanged himself to death in his home in Bandra, Mumbai. He made his television debut in 2008 with Star Plus’s romantic drama “Kis Desh Mein Hai Mera […]

Lost Another Gem! SSR❤️

Love at first sight.

The only true love is love at first sight, second sight dispels it. I believed in love at first sight and I haven’t experienced it until I saw him. 
Yes, it was 20th July 2016 when I first saw him. It was our school reunion and one of my friends has bought his friend to this party. It started off with the normal greeting session and he sat beside me. I wanted to look at him as I found him a bit cute and smart. I felt like it is my best day until now.I felt like he is the one. Within seconds, I dreamt of everything. He became my boyfriend, husband, and then the father of my kids and happy life. Crazy… Right????This is how I am. Not practical at all, not to believe in reality and yes hell lot of filmy. 
So being an extrovert is a blessing sometimes. I initiated communication by asking him if he needs any notes for the preparation of TCS aspire. He casually replied as “yes will contact you if required”. I was a bit sad as he showed no interest in me and was busy talking to others. and here the dreams shattered. Still, I kept gazing at him through the corner of my eyes. He was wearing a light pink shirt paired with blue jeans. Then he stood up and went out to smoke. I was literally staring at him with all my anger. Seriously, Can a boy don’t understand if any girl is showing interest in him? 
I wished he could stay with me for a few hours and we would go on date, long walk with holding hands. I know you all be thinking she is so fast. But in that 1hour I forgot all my stress. My grandmother was admitted to hospital and I forgot that. I was so in love that I forgot almost everything. 
I don’t know if this really was love or it was just an attraction. When I returned back to my home the whole night for the first time (except for my exams night), I didn’t sleep. I was continuously thinking about him and smiling like an idiot. 
I still think was he worth it. Would he ever spoke to me if I didn’t initiate the talk? I guess, “No”. You know being a dark skin girl is still a curse in India. People never consider you beautiful or charming. No one will ever come up to you and initiate the talk. Funny how literate people still consider outer beauty over the beauty of the internal soul. Due to this dark skin girls still fear in making good looking friends or even have a conversation with them. 
So whatever is your skin type, dark or fair, just be happy. Nothing else matters. People come and go because they don’t understand your inner beauty. The one who stays forever with you is you yourself.  
Don’t fall in this love at First Sight. There is nothing like this because until unless you know the person from inside you can’t love him or her. Take care. HASTA LA VISTA

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton